House fic: Five Dates That Lisa Cuddy Never Finished (House, Cuddy, Wilson)
Five Dates That Lisa Cuddy Never Finished
Disclaimer: 'House, M.D.' belongs to David Shore and FOX. No infringement intended.
Summary: She's pretty sure that getting interrupted shouldn't be the best part of the date. (House, Cuddy, Wilson)
Spoilers: 3x14 'Insensitive'.
Prompt: housefic50; 025. Strangers.


i.

She's sure that the world is out to get her when the first date that she finds herself genuinely enjoying in months is interrupted not-so-subtly by her two idiotic department heads. They try to act shocked to be running into her – and from the way surprise morphs into realization on Wilson's face as he enters the coffee shop, she decides to give him the benefit of the doubt – but there is an infuriating twinkle in House's eyes that makes her want to punch him in the face.

"Dr. Cuddy!" House exclaims with delight as he shuffles over to her table. "What are the chances that we'd run into you here?"
"Imagine that!" she replies with saccharine sweetness.
"We're sorry for interrupting," Wilson quickly says, shooting an apologetic smile at her before motioning for House to follow him.

House, of course, takes this as a sign to introduce himself to her date. Wilson looks like he's considering digging a hole with her spoon as House starts to make small talk.

"Look at the time," Wilson starts without bothering to check his watch. "We really need to go, House."

House nods and, for a moment, she's worried that it's too easy.

He's almost at the door when he stops, turns around, and says, "By the way, I think it's absolutely great that you're so open-minded, Pete."
"Thanks?" Pete replies awkwardly.
"Most people are threatened by Dr. Cuddy here," he continues.
"She is quite the woman," Pete says with a smile.
"Yes, she is," House replies before adding, "You'd never know that she used to be a man."
Wilson groans, "Oh. My. God."
"House!" she shouts, shooting daggers with her eyes.

Pete looks back and forth between House and Cuddy.

"You two kids have fun," House says with a wave.

As they're leaving, she hears Wilson tell House that he's going to be doing clinic hours for the rest of his life now.

"He was joking," she assures her date when they're alone again. "He…has issues."
"Right," Pete replies with nervous laughter.

Pete glances at her neck every now and then for the next twenty minutes and she can tell that his eyes are searching for a non-existent Adam's apple. When he gets a frantic call half an hour later from work, the relief on his face is palpable.

"I'll, uh, call you sometime," he calls over his shoulder as he runs out of the cafe.
"Bye," she says to the air.

When she leaves a few minutes later, she finds House and Wilson waiting for her outside.

"So is it too soon for picket fences?" House asks, looking entirely too pleased with himself.
"He told me he was treating me to dinner," Wilson starts to explain.
"And you believed that?" she asks, shaking her head.

She starts walking back to the hospital and, to her annoyance, finds them following her.

"He's easy that way."
"We're sorry," Wilson says, shooting him a glare.
"We're really not," House amends. "If that guy couldn't accept you for who you really are—"
"Shut up, House."


ii.

She's taken to mentally assigning House an extra clinic hour for every mildly offensive thing he says to her date. In two minutes, he's already up to twelve hours.

"So what do you do, Tom?" House asks.
"I'm in the restaurant business."
"Well, I do hear that all the money's in tips," House offers.

As her date tells House that he owns the restaurant, Cuddy has to stifle the urge to laugh at the shocked expression on House's face.

"The patient has cancer," Cuddy says, tossing the chart at Wilson.
"I told him that."
"But Wilson's the world's crappiest oncologist—"
"Hey! I resent that!"
"So I figured it couldn't hurt to get a second opinion," House finishes. "Susan—"
"Her name is Tina," she corrects, rolling her eyes.
"Whatever. The point is that the patient comes first."

Cuddy laughs.

"I care," House insists, clutching his heart in mock hurt.
"Since you care so much, don't you have somewhere else to be?" she quickly asks. "Extra clinic hours to do?"
"Aye aye, sir," House says, smirking as he salutes.

She shoots him a withering look before he leaves with Wilson in tow.

Unfortunately for her, Tom spends the rest of the night harping on how much of a jerk House is. Midway through her second cup of coffee, she feels a migraine coming on.

"Date not going so well?" House asks when she calls him from the bathroom a few minutes later.
"I hate you."
"That hurts, Cuddles. Really, there might be tears," he says.
"You two need to stop stalking me."
"Wilson was worried. He watches Dateline. Apparently, the interweb can be a scary place."
"So I'm supposed to be flattered that you're concerned enough to ruin my love life?"
"It's not my fault that your date is squirrelly," he says defensively. "Plus, he does this weird twitching thing with his left eye."

She doesn't tell him that she's noticed that too.

"My date wants to hurt you," she replies instead.

In the background, she can hear Wilson telling House to stop stealing the mushrooms off his pizza.

"Are you at the pizza place next door?" she asks with a frown.
"Saving lives is hard work," he says with a mouthful of food. "We got tired."

Her stomach grumbles.

"I really, really hate you," she says before hanging up.

Five minutes later, she gets a real page about a fake emergency. She has to stop herself from grinning when she reads, "We ordered that veggie pizza crap you like." Schooling her features into a worried expression, she tells Tom with fake regret that her patient took a turn for the worse and she needs to get back to the hospital right away.

She leaves before Tom can ask her out on a second date.


iii.

She blames Wilson for ruining her date with Brad. A two second encounter is all it takes for her date to forget all about her and fall madly in love with Wilson. Before she knows what's going on, they're playing a game of twenty questions regarding Wilson's favorite things.

"Dr. Wilson, are you married?"
"Yes," Wilson quickly says.
"He's going through a divorce," House clarifies. "Denial is unhealthy, Jimmy."
"That must be very difficult for you."
"He's been a wreck," House whispers.

Wilson suddenly gets up.

"I've got a patient that I need to go see—"
"I'll walk you to the hospital!" Brad says eagerly.

Wilson fidgets uncomfortably.

"No, that's okay. You're still on your date."
"Actually, I think we can both agree that the date's over," Cuddy says with a grin.
"This place can be dangerous at night, Dr. Wilson. You really shouldn't walk alone."
"I won't be alone," Wilson says in a panicked voice. "House is—"
"My leg hurts," House says. "I think I'm just going to hang out here for awhile."

Wilson shakes his head.

"Perfect!" Brad says, grabbing Wilson's arm and dragging him to the door.
"House, you son of a—"
"Be good!" House shouts as the door closes.

Cuddy sighs.

"I can't believe he just hijacked my date."
"You're telling me. Who am I supposed to watch SoapNet's 90210 marathon with now?"
"The Brenda years?" Cuddy asks.

House nods.

"If we leave now," he offers, "we could make it in time to see Brenda bitch slap Kelly for stealing Dylan."
"I'll drive," she replies.


iv.

She zones out during most of her date with Frank or Fred or Fresco or whatever his name is, occasionally nodding or replying with a "wow!" as he goes on and on about the pressures of being an investment banker. He's probably not as boring as she imagines, but she keeps looking at the clock behind him, waiting for the moment when House and Wilson will show up with some stupid excuse to ruin her evening.

She's pretty sure that getting interrupted shouldn't be the best part of the date.

At a quarter past seven, she sees them through the window of the coffee shop. She tells Frank or Fred or Fresco or whatever his name is that he seems like a wonderful guy, but she doesn't think it will work out between them.

"Let's get frozen yogurt," she says, meeting the boys outside.
"I thought you had a ban on sugar?" Wilson asks.
"It ended yesterday," House says absently. "Hey Cuddles, I think your date is crying."
"Is not!"

She turns around to see Frank or Fred or Fresco or whatever his name is dab his eyes with a napkin.

"What did you say to him?" Wilson asks.
"I didn't—"
"And they say I'm mean," House scoffs with a tsk.


v.

"So when can I expect Wilson to show up?" she asks dryly.
"I told him that you were having dinner with your mother."
"And he believed that?"
"I'm a trustworthy guy."

Cuddy raises an eyebrow.

"See now, that type of distrust is exactly why all your dates suck," he says, wagging his finger at her.
"My dates suck because of you, House!"
"You fantasize about me and it's somehow my fault?"
"It's not really a fantasy if I want to choke you."
"Ooh, kinky!" he exclaims, waggling his eyebrows.

She feels like she's on a date with an overgrown, limping twelve year old with stubble and an irritating ability to push her buttons.

"So are you going to put out?"
"Romantic," she remarks, rolling her eyes.
"I'm wearing a relatively clean shirt and I paid for dinner—"
"Tacos. You paid for tacos. Tacos that we're eating on the hood of your car."
"Tacos are dinner food. Just ask Javier—"
"Alfredo."
"Whatever. You should be all over me, Cuddles."

She snaps her fingers.

"You're absolutely right!" she proclaims. "I should do you right now!"
"I'm not done eating."

She laughs.

"I hope you're not wearing granny panties," he says, popping a nacho into his mouth. "It would totally ruin my car fantasy."
"Life is not a Whitesnake video, House," she replies with a smirk. "Besides, don't think I don't know that you stole my pink thong."

Before he can try to deny it, a blue car pulls up next to them.

"God House, don't you answer your pages?" Foreman shouts, leaping out of the car.
"Don't have it on me."
"You don't have your pager on you?" Cuddy asks incredulously.
"Samantha went into cardiac arrest," Cameron tells him. "Chase is monitoring—"
"Who the hell is Samantha?"
"Our dying patient," Foreman exclaims.
"Is she dead yet?"
"Not yet," Foreman says, "but she's going to die very soon if—"
"So you want me to hold her hand?"

Cameron looks at Cuddy for help.

"Go do your job, House," Cuddy orders with a sigh.
"Party pooper!"
"Let's go," Foreman says, ushering towards Cameron's car.
"We'll follow you," House says sadly, sliding off the hood.

They're in the hospital parking lot when House tells her that this has been the worst date ever.

"Now you know how I felt every time you and Wilson showed up."
"Unlike the losers that you went out with, I had potential," House insists.

She pretends to consider it for a moment.

"It's too bad that we were interrupted," she finally says with a grin. "I was wearing a red thong and everything."
"I'm pretty sure we have time for a quickie."
"Gosh, I sure want to," she replies as she gets out of the car, "but unfortunately for you, I'm not some cheap floozy, House."
"So where does that leave me?" he calls out as she makes her way through the parking lot.
"I don't know," she shoots back. "I guess you'll just have to take me out on a real date next time."