SLAP BET COMMISSIONER (goddesspharo) wrote,

Don't flatter yourself.

A) My friends and I went to go see Snow White and the Huntsman today, which was a movie that needed more makeouts! Like it was gorgeously shot and everything, but Chris Hemsworth playing a drunk maybe-Scottish Huntsman? RIDICULOUSLY ATTRACTIVE, I WANT TO GO THERE, ETC. A lot of the film was heavy-handed, but the reason why it felt tiresome was because there was so much extraneous shit in there that we didn't need to see. The twenty minutes of the weird gollum fairies and Snow White bowing to Buckbeak even though neither one of those sequences proved to be relevant later on? The dwarves singing all the damn time OH MY GOD WHO CARES? Like props to them for somehow roping really good actors (and Super Mario!) to play dwarves, but damn dude I didn't need all that! It felt like the journey to the Duke's castle went on forever and it really didn't have to because that was valuable screentime that could've gone to developing the characters or, more importantly, MAKEOUTS! KStew and Hemsworth had great chemistry with each other! There was close talking! The Huntsman left her because he was the Grim Reaper for everyone he loved but then he went back for her anyway! LOTS OF EYE SEX AND EVEN AT THE END! It was such a waste! You can still have female empowerment and makeouts!

I was pleasantly surprised by the movie not going the Snow White/Prince route (revival kiss fail!) and even more entertained by her greeting William with a handshake once the Huntsman's kiss brought her back to life because it's the fairytale equivalent of I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen! The most I liked the Prince was when he was evil and really Ravena because that was hot, but otherwise we didn't really get to know his character. Truthfully we didn't really get to know anyone except Ravena, who was pretty well fleshed out as far as this movie goes. Charlize Theron as usual was good, though a bit hammy at times. I loved the switch to having the mirror talking back being a thing that only she can see because she's possibly insane! I loved her shadow army and the shots of her milk (?) bath juxtaposed to the Becky The Duck situation later after she poisons Snow White. The ending felt really anticlimactic so that was a bummer.

It was also a bummer that Ravena and Huntsman never made out. I was so positive that was going to happen when she told him that she could bring his wife back. I thought she was going to morph into his wife and mack on him to show him that she could give him what he wanted. Failing that, I really wish they would've cast someone even marginally hot to play her brother because clearly SWATH wanted me to appreciate the sibcest and I could not do it because the guy was fug beyond belief and not Paul Bettany.

B) Before the movie, one of the trailers was for The Bourne Legacy which I was whelmed about when they premiered it earlier this week and was still whelmed by when I saw it on the big screen tonight. They mention Bourne more than they give Renner lines! I got this intense feeling of how I could've forced myself to maybe dig it if ScarJo was playing his love interest? I like Rachel Weisz but I'm still having a Renner/Johansson situation that might not work out well if they actually go with Chris Pine (WHY) for Brick in the Broadway Tin Roof.

C) For reasons related to this hilarity, I mainlined the first season of Teen Wolf on hulu. It is such a dumb show and no one involved can even act a little, but Jackson has such spectacular cheekbones and Lydia knows how to make Molotov cocktails so those bits were relevant to my interests?

D) Finally saw What To Expect When You're Expecting and it was awful, but not NYE awful. I was only invested in the Kendrick/Crawford plot because they were really adorable together, but that went nowhere and throwing the audience a bone at the end does not make up for that! I mean, did Anna Kendrick just wander on set one day and they decided to add her to the movie because THEY BARELY HAD SCENES! I need them to be in something else together and make out on another stranger's car and be very good looking while doing it.
Tags: squee: movies
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